happiness.sg

The Road is a Metaphor for Life

Vadivu — Sat, 19 May 2012 01:25:41 +0000

Here’s my letter that was published in TODAY.

——————–

TODAY

The road is a metaphor for life

by Vadivu Govind

04:45 AM May 19, 2012

Like Mr Siva Sankar Sinnasamy, who wrote “Hang up on ‘hello’ while driving” (May 17), I have observed drivers using the mobile telephone while driving. One car almost rammed into the taxi I was in last year.

So I support stricter enforcement, and not limited to drivers. People also text while walking.

It was stated in “US town fines those who text while walking” (May 16) that Fort Lee in New Jersey fines those who engage in “dangerous walking”, such as SMSing while crossing the road, as its police chief had noticed a rise in such accidents. This is progressive.

However, this is not only a law enforcement issue. Road travel reflects the values we hold outside of the roads.

Do we care about the journey as much as the destination? That is critical.

Every day, many of us want to get to the destination as fast as possible, unaware of what happens on the way. At work, we may rush for deadlines or promotions, ignoring how we treat our colleagues.

At home, we may pressure our children to get good grades, without allowing them to play and enjoy their childhood. The road is just where such attitudes result in visible suffering. Let us create a new reality.

The roads could be spaces to say “thank you”, “sorry”, “I forgive you” and “I care about you”; spaces to demonstrate patience and kindness, qualities that many of our spiritual traditions teach us.

Spaces to show what we value, breakneck speed or ensuring that our necks do not break; spaces to show how we handle conflict and how we respond when others may upset us.

Spaces to show whether we care only about business contacts, family and friends we are going to meet, and on the way, disregard many strangers whose lives may be affected by our actions; spaces where we make someone else’s day more joyful, along with ours.

We could use the roads to teach us how to travel more mindfully in our personal lives.

The writer works in the area of organisational change.

Pausing Before Doors

Vadivu — Mon, 14 May 2012 02:55:32 +0000

What intention do you bring as you walk through doors?

“A woman I’m familiar with pauses for a moment when she comes home from work. Before entering the house, she takes a minute to think about her family. She visualises the kind of world she wants to create with them. Then she opens the door and makes it happen.” ~ Stephen Covey, “The 3rd Alternative”.

May we learn to pause before we walk through doorways so we can set positive intentions and make them happen, whether at work, home or elsewhere.

Covenant

Vadivu — Mon, 14 May 2012 02:34:25 +0000

“When my father was 82, and dying of cancer, we received a deeper awareness of what made him tick. For three days, the family held vigil while he was in a deep coma. Suddenly his voice rang out: “All your life you wander in search of meaning and then, at the end, at the core, there is only the covenant.” He had spoken on rare occasions in his life of the covenant between humanity and God. In death, it was his only remaining passion.”

What is the covenant I live by?”

~ Sacred Moments, Linda Kavelin Popov

A covenant is simply a sacred agreement. Whatever one’s faith is, and whether it involves whatever is perceived as “God” or not, we all can live by sacred agreements.

Credit: Joy Works

My covenant is made up of six virtues that I strive to live by. Some things I’ve learned to practise with ease. But difficulties remain for others. But it helps me to keep this image of my personal star of virtues in my heart, and let it guide me like a compass.

What’s your covenant?

An Awesome Book

Vadivu — Mon, 30 Apr 2012 12:46:07 +0000

This is a very inspiring book on dreaming BIG. Read the entire book online.

Great for adults!

On dying and living…

Vadivu — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 14:22:36 +0000

Elisabeth Kubler Ross was an expert on dying. Here are some of her wise words…

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity and an understanding of life that fills them with compassions, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”

“And after your death, when most of you for the first time realize what life here is all about, you will begin to see that your life here is almost nothing but the sum total of every choice you have made during every moment of your life. Your thoughts, which you are responsible for, are as real as your deeds. You will begin to realize that every word and every deed affects your life and has also touched thousands of lives.”

“We run after values that, at death, become zero. At the end of your life, nobody asks you how many degrees you have, or how many mansions you built, or how many Rolls Royces you could afford. That’s what dying patients teach you.”

“Dying is nothing to fear. It can be the most wonderful experience of your life. It all depends on how you have lived.”

“If you live each day of your life right, then you have nothing to fear …”

“Throughout life, we get clues that remind us of the direction we are supposed to be headed … if you stay focused, then you learn your lessons.”

“There is no joy without hardship. If not for death, would we appreciate life? If not for hate, would we know the ultimate goal is love? … At these moments you can either hold on to negativity and look for blame, or you can choose to heal and keep on loving.”

“When you learn your lessons, the pain goes away.”

“When we have passed the tests we are sent to Earth to learn, we are allowed to graduate. We are allowed to shed our body, which imprisons our souls …”

“We make progress in society only if we stop cursing and complaining about its shortcomings and have the courage to do something about them.”

“Those who learned to know death, rather than to fear and fight it, become our teachers about life.”

“Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has a purpose….”

“You will not grow if you sit in a beautiful flower garden, but you will grow if you are sick, if you are in pain, if you experience losses, and if you do not put your head in the sand, but take the pain as a gift to you with a very, very specific purpose.”

“It’s only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth — and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.”

“Death is simply a shedding of the physical body like the butterfly shedding its cocoon. It is a transition to a higher state of consciousness where you continue to perceive, to understand, to laugh, and to be able to grow.”

“For those who seek to understand it, death is a highly creative force. The highest spiritual values of life can originate from the thought and study of death.”

“I believe that we are solely responsible for our choices, and we have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout our lifetime.”

“People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within.”

“Guilt is perhaps the most painful companion of death.”

“There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from.”

“The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well.”

“We need to teach the next generation of children from day one that they are responsible for their lives. Mankind’s greatest gift, also its greatest curse, is that we have free choice. We can make our choices built from love or from fear.”

“Should you shield the canyons from the windstorms, you would never see the beauty of their carvings.”

“Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has a purpose.”

“There is no need to go to India or anywhere else to find peace. You will find that deep place of silence right in your room, your garden or even your bathtub.”

What Makes a Last Chance Work?

Vadivu — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 12:49:13 +0000

Sometimes we have something precious going on with someone or something…but we have difficulties…and we keep trying to make things work…till The Last Chance.

A last chance is special.

It’s a time to truly Wake Up to what hasn’t been working, and make it right.

It’s a time to restore Trust.

It’s a time to Break Patterns. Try new ways, not ways which haven’t worked. Or try more of what has been working.

It’s a time to Pull Out All The Stops and do your best. And I mean not just for that period, but really change for good. Say Sorry. Forgive...yourself too. Thank. Be grateful for the life lessons this person has brought you.

It’s a time when Life/Providence is extending benevolence to you. You’re being shown what potentially losing someone or something could feel like.

It’s a time for taking a Leap of Faith…and believe that the person will come through….and that you will too.

It’s a time to Believe in Miracles. (Oxford Dictionary: Miracle - An extraordinary and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore attrbuted to a divine agency). I say it’s a time to make your own miracles.

Credit: Latham Thomas of Mama Glow

It’s a time to Make Wise Decisions, especially the important ones. Is what you’re choosing worth giving up this last chance for? How could both parties’ needs could be met? Be creative and keep in the spirit of The Last Chance.

If two parties take a last chance together, there’s a chance you can turn things around and be better than you have ever been. If one person decides to give it a last chance, I believe the chances are lower but still possible… I believe in miracles…

Is there a last chance waiting for you? If you try it, mean it. Give it 100%.

Sometimes you let go of the Last Chance too. After that it’s rare if you are given yet another chance…perhaps it would take a Miracle…

How would you treat a miracle, my friend? (I would give a miracle back…)

Resources:

This piece is not just for couples…but a friend says that for couples who are at their last chance, she recommends an Imago workshop or therapist. Details of Singapore-based IMAGO therapist are on the site.

Other enlightened couples counsellors whose writings I love:

- The Vissells. Check out their articles to get a feel of their essence. (Phone counselling available.) Their book, “The Heart’s Wisdom” could be of tremendous help too.

- Basha Kaplan wrote an amazing book “Soul-Dating to Soul-Mating”. She and her husband, Jeff also offer counselling. (Phone counselling available.)

** We need to use our wisdom to know when last chances are merited, especially in cases of threat to life.

Animal Release

Vadivu — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 09:14:44 +0000

I woke up to the reality of the suffering that animals face in the early 90s. And it changed my life, my diet, my choice of career – everything.

But I also made mistakes. Here’s one of them.

As I walked by a pet shop one day about twenty years ago, I looked at the birds in the cages and empathised with their lack of freedom to spread their wings. Freedom is a value I hold dear. And I wanted to be part of theirs. So I bought a bird, brought it home and set it free. It felt good. I repeated this quite a few times.

Only years later did I learn the lack of wisdom in my act. These animals may die or upset the eco-system. Good intentions don’t necessarily lead to positive impact.

Animal release happens on a larger scale in certain communities in Asia, including Singapore.

I believe that change needs to come from the relevant communities themselves through deep soul-searching and honest dialogue. And a commitment to be the change we wish to see in the world. If we seek wisdom, compassion and truth, perhaps we can start with encouraging it closer to home too?

So if you’re part of communities which may have members who release animals into the wild in Singapore, I appeal for you to raise this sensitively to your friends or spiritual patrons. Send this post or any link here to your group and ask for people to support alternative forms of helping animals. Better still, schedule time to discuss this in the context of statements such as these…

Buddhist Fellowship President Henry Baey:

“Compassion and wisdom are like two wings on the same bird. One without the other is not only futile, it can even be dangerous. Though the Buddha had unlimited compassion, he also had the wisdom to know when to intervene, where to help, and when to leave things alone. Similarly, we need to exercise our judgment in the course of practicing kindness. Releasing animals may seem like a beautiful, kind, meritorious thing to do. However if it upsets the eco system and causes harm, not only to the animals released, but to all living things in the area, can that be called a genuine act of compassion?

As Buddhist Fellowship’s Spiritual Patron, Ajahn Brahm, puts it, “Before one releases a captive animal one must use one’s wisdom and reflect whether one is doing more harm than good. If more harm is being done, such as sending that animal to a certain death, or destroying the local habitat, then releasing the animal is clearly bad karma. It should not be done. Compassion without wisdom can cause more harm than good.”

(Quotes from National Parks Board leaflet, “Operation No Release”)

Here are some alternatives to animal release:

Donate to a local animal shelter that takes good care of its animals. SPCA is an example.
Go meat-free as regularly as one can. Educate others on the benefits of reducing meat or donate to groups which do. The Vegetarian Society of Singapore is an example.
Choose products not tested on animals. Educate others about this too.
Choose clothes and products not made from animal skins. Educate others.
Choose entertainment that is animal-free, even when you travel.

There’s tremendous good that can be done for animals other than animal release. Please help unleash this potential!

Articles:

Animal releases can be bad karma

Humane Society International and Environment and Animal Society of Taiwan launch campaign. Also watch video (in Chinese with English subtitles).

Position of the SPCA

Release Animals Into the Wild and You Will Do More Harm Than Good

Operation No Release - National Parks Board, Singapore

Religion and the Environment - Interview with Angie Monksfield from Buddhist Fellowship, Singapore

Stalls still selling animals for release

Near Fall

Vadivu — Sun, 29 Apr 2012 09:13:58 +0000

I recently saw a worker nearly fall to his death or get seriously injured, when he was doing painting works in a high-rise building. For a few minutes, I felt sick to my stomach.

I called the estate management office and the staff managed to stop the worker from sitting on the balcony ledge.

I reported it to the Ministry of Manpower inspectorate which got in touch with the estatement management office and the unsafe works have been stopped. A staff member has said that it will advise the contractor to review their risk assessment for such work. HUGE thanks to MOM for investigating this and taking time to give me an update. (Thanks to the Workplace Safety and Health Council for passing on my report to the MOM inspectorate.)

Some lessons -

- Take immediate action to prevent wokrplace accidents where possible. Speak directly with relevant personnel and if they don’t take action, their employers. Don’t just a take a photo. But by all means, if you have a camera, take a photo and send it to authorities later.

- Report unsafe working conditions to the MOM Inspectorate.

MOM_Inspectorate_Email[at]mom.gov.sg

- I had often thought to myself that I wouldn’t know how to identify safety risks related to construction/repair etc works. But on that day when I witnessed this near accident, I got in touch with my common sense and trusted my intuition! We don’t need specific instructions or training to sense a dangerous situation.

- We cannot depend solely on nonprofits to help disavantaged groups. We are surrounded by those who need our help. It just needs us to see clearly and be more fully present in the now.

But we cannot be alert or see clearly when we are constantly looking at our phones or electronic gadgets. We cannot be alert when we are replaying troubled thoughts in our head.

What or who’s right under your nose now, that needs your help? At home? Your neighbourhood? Your workplace?

Letter: Workplace Happiness

Vadivu — Tue, 03 Apr 2012 05:20:03 +0000

Published on Apr 3, 2012 in the Forum Page, The Straits Times, Singapore.

I AGREE with Mr Tang Li that when employees are treated better, the company benefits (‘Treat workers properly’; last Tuesday).

I was also heartened that Deputy Prime Minister Tharman Shanmugaratnam said: ‘We can only be an inclusive society if employers treat their workers with respect, help them develop themselves, and reward them fairly.’ (‘An inclusive S’pore: ‘Firms must play role”; March 21).

Here are some numbers related to the value of workplace happiness:

In one study, happy employees have, on average, 31 per cent higher productivity; their sales increase 37 per cent, and their creativity is three times better.

Research also shows that happier employees lead to improved workplace relationships, higher retention and less sick leave.

Books such as The Customer Comes Second by Hal Rosenthal illustrate how happier employees provide better customer service as well.

A side benefit of workplace happiness is that people who are happier are healthier, relieving the medical system.

And if one is treated well at work, one is likelier to treat family members better when one gets home.

So addressing happiness in the workplace has huge positive ripple effects for society.

Let us contrast the above with another set of numbers:

In a poll last year by a talent management agency, Singapore was ranked last in workplace happiness among 14 countries.

In another, Singapore placed second in a survey of 16 countries for the number of workplace gripes.

It is useful to note that corporate social responsibility, which is gaining traction in Singapore, starts with how an organisation treats its employees, contract workers, suppliers and customers, as well as the communities, environment and animals affected by its work.

I am heartened to read of the company practices that Mr Tharman mentioned in his speech. We must keep highlighting and encouraging more such good practices.

Ultimately, it is vital to have happier and more conscientious bosses who can then serve as role models, and will be more drawn towards creating work environments that encourage employee happiness.

Employees must do their part as well; each can be a catalyst for happiness at work.

Vadivu Govind (Ms)

10 Ways to Love Yourself

Vadivu — Thu, 29 Mar 2012 05:22:58 +0000

I’ve shared the importance of self-love and self-compassion on this blog a few times. When our cup is full, we have something more to offer people, and more joyfully too. When we are giving and serving others from a place of lack, the quality of our giving is compromised, and in time, we may burnout.

So here are ten ways in which we can love ourselves. Do you have more to share?

1. Appreciate specific things about yourself daily.

2. Play.Be creative.

3. Rest. What’s your body trying to tell you? Rest your mind too. Develop a contemplative
practice. If at work, enjoy the silence at a place of worship or quiet space nearby.

4. Forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Show yourself compassion. Learn and grow from it.

5. Release“perfection”.

6. Heal emotional wounds.

7. Courageously say “No” to what is hurting you or
adding little value to your wellbeing.

8. Watch your diet– physical, emotional, mental and spiritual. Do you eat, watch, read and listen to what inspire, nourish and challenge you to grow?

9. Discover your purpose in life. When you die, what do you want your life to
have meant?

10. Invest in relationships that support you to love yourself.

Get a support-buddy who can support your journey to love yourself.

Isn’t self-love selfish?

Wonderful 5-minute Video: The Gifts of Imperfection by Dr Brene Brown.